The Evil Shower Monster

So I took a shower today!! This may seem like an easy everyday task for most people but to someone who has depression or bipolar this can be an AMAZING gold star moment for every given day.  Pretty sad really but it really is the truth.

It is simple everyday things that I face that have been the most challenging for me lately.  The Evil Shower Monster is just one of these tasks.  Cleaning, making dinner, putting on make up, leaving the house, etc these are all things I have been struggling with.  At night before I go to sleep I think "Tomorrow I will finally get things together.  Maybe clean the bathroom, pick up the living room and vacuum and maybe even make dinner."  Then I wake up and it is the same old routine.  Looking at the house and all the things I want to get done and not being able to get up to do them.

To someone who does not have depression or bipolar you maybe thinking " Just get up and make an effort" or "Shake it off" or my favorite "You just need to stop being lazy"  NO ONE likes not being able to function like a normal person.  This is not something that you can just shake off.  Family, friends and society are understanding to a certain point.  After a while you can see it in their eyes......

"They Really just are not trying to get better"

 "They really are lazy"

 "I think they are making this up" 

"I do not under stand why they just don't try harder."

It is very hard for everyone involved.  Honestly I am exhausted.  I just want to feel better and go back to work.  I know that my current job is toxic for me but I really would like to feel better so I can go back and have the motivation to start looking into a career that better fits me.  Hard to think of these things when it is so hard to even take a shower in the morning.

Right now I guess the best I can do is to face the Evil Shower Monster as many times as I can each week and press on.  Go to the doctor, take the pills and pray.  Eventually things have to get better right??

Until next time

Laura

So....I really do not know what I am doing

*** Warning I do not have a FILTER.  I think I was born without one or maybe it is my illness, either way I do not have one.  I do not mean to offend but this is who I am.  If you are Sensitive you may not want to read my posts.  I will not be apologizing for anything I write about as these are my thoughts and I am doing this for myself. ****


Last night I went to bed late which has been the trend for the last 4 weeks since I have been out on Short Term Disability for my Bipolar disorder.  Not sure if it is a disorder or an illness ..... I really do not think the two words differ that much but it is what it is.  Any ways I was up late thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.  Starting a prayer but then getting side tracked by other fleeting thoughts.......

" Jesus My brain is tired can you please .....what am I going to do about my job.....I am angry........wonder if garden gnomes come to life when we are not looking.........is the dog depressed.......I really need to snap out of this.........is my husband happy............how is my daughter doing with her bipolar......oops sorry God I got side tracked again could you please just read my thoughts and help me with whatever is wrong with me Amen"

It really is extremely exhausting

So My name is Laura and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last year......which I think is shit that it took so long for for this diagnosis.  You would think that after being hospitalized at 14 and then again at 24 and then the countless doctor appointments from 18-33 for what they called depression that one of the damn doctors would figure out that it wasn't depression.  ** Fun Fact:Did you know that being given pills for depression only when you are bipolar makes the bipolar worse?? Go figure huh.  The amount of things I struggled with from 14-33 could have been lessened if only it would have been properly identified.  Man does that make me angry.  The countless hours hating myself for the drinking, random one night stands, things my daughter saw, the embarrassing things I did, feeling like I am a bad mother, the lack of sustainable relationships etc......all could have been lessened.  

But I digress, I am bipolar and now have a good doctor helping me through proper medication treatments.  Oh is that ever a joy in my life!!  They say it is not a science and they are not kidding.  I have been off work four weeks now and still do not feel much better.  My medications are a breakfast meal in themselves right now........Lamictial, Effexor, Buspar....total of four pills every morning.  Then I have to try to remember my second dose of Buspar in the afternoon followed by my Seroquel at night.  Do Have to say I love the Seroquel!!  I hate taking pills they can be hard to choke down but I know I need to.  Still does not make it any easier to take.  Just waiting for that magic concoction that will make me feel okay maybe even a little happy.

I am either extremely happy and weird or down in the dumps.  Both can be over whelming......my husband gets a little freaked out by my weird parts but I love them.  They are the times where I feel great......extremely high and happy.  Those times are short lived so I like to hang on to them. By the way my writing will jump around as I get side tracked very easily :-)  

So I was up late last night and had all my thoughts running through my head until the Seroquel kicked in.  I decided that I would try blogging to see if it would help release the demons in my head.  Let me say that I do not really have a demon physically living in my head, at least not that I know of.  Have thought of going to the Catholic church for an exorcism...haha.  That will be a last resort.  The amount of thing I think about in a given day is not normal and is hard to deal with.  (Not sure what normal is but my doctor says it is not normal)  With writing things down I am hoping it clears my mind a little.  Funny thing is that it will probably just make room for more random thoughts but it is worth a try right.  I thought of a journal but honestly I do not think I would keep up on it, may not even be able to keep up on this but if other can relate I have more of a drive to write.   If you are reading this and can identify feel free to share.  Honestly nothing can really shock me, been there done that or am going through it.  I do not know how people find my blog but I really am not all that interested in finding out either.  If people find it they find it right.

*** To my FAMILY:  If you are reading this you may learn things about me that you would rather not know.  Please do not be embarrassed!!!  This is a mental illness and mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.  It is very mis understood. It does not matter what others think.  This is my story and life**** 

With that I am tired of writing right now but am sure I will have more to express later.  Til then my name is Laura and it is nice to meet you.